doesnt seem effective

been thinking what's the best way to increase my productivity

get another full time job? make ML my partime
then studies wld be totally neglected.

full time into studies, ML to PT?

doesnt work
i wld be avoiding my responsbilities

came into this line
for growth
for better wealth
for better family time

wadever it ish,im not doing wad i shld be
what i shld have improved
i feel
i have improved just my small talks abilityy
i feel my pdt knowledge is really lacking
im losing my patience
im hungry
im starved
i need to perform this yr
with the utmost effort

why
one reason
i have enuff training for the past one yr
i have enuff time to improve
i have no more excuses

more and more juniors of mine are coming in
being one of the elders
i cannot disappoint my mentor,ebi
where shld i begin
time management
discipline

why am i lacking in it
when i have done it before in my secondary times

i sux
i needa wake myself up
i needa drenched myself in the rain
walk in the cold night
to wake up my idea
i need motivation
i need a shoulder when i fall
i need suppport
i need a crutch to bring me though
i need to win thru bad times

im very hungry

if i come out with a schedule
i must commit to it
if not
everything is going to be back to square one
will i allow it?

wadever
i know sth needs to be done
watch me
stomp me
pushed me
shout at me
waKE ME!!!!!!

i blame myself
see thru this
expecting someone to read ur mind is impossible
speak and u will be answered

let dat person knows!

roll the ball back to him
if he hecks
u heck
where shld the trouble begins?

life still goes on
move on
dun invite more problems

life ish too short for more guessing
much less procrastination.

get it over and done with
get it done and be generous to urself

i have gotten my retribution
how i have treated the 'ignored'
i shall experience dbl-ly the pain.

complication is human
problems are also humans
how i wish i havethe power to read ur thots
once i needed to understand u better
i can switch on easily
if information can be answered in a split second
nv will there be waiting
nv will there be misunderstanding

however
dat meant

there will be no guessing
no more excitment
no more communication

is this for the better or worse?

i dont know.
im not myself now
i need a smile
from u..

我真的好想你..

damn,
i hate wad im feeling now
ups and down
want and dunwan
indecisivness
nv like it.
arghh
i wan my independent feeling
i have a resolution
to be the mightiers and ever so confident female
i need the knowledge
i need to practice my skills
i want to see my hardwork pays off
i need to work towards it

emotions seems to be my obstacles
if im void of my personal feelings
if im focus
if im a man

i shall think like one
eliminate the 'if's

there
i see myself holding the trophies
i wan to see my head held high
i need a plan
i need action
i need energies
i need the universe to work with me towards my goal
i know
im going to see myself there
watch me

i really had my fun on new yr's eve gathering
slept at 3plus am today.
turnout was great
with presence of
fang, ivan, min, ying, ryhan,jing, ruibao, jian hui, hansong
a small-y gathering can be so heartwarming&cozy.

it needless be a grand affair nor one that needs to be filled of crowd
so simple yet so beautiful.
exchanging christmas prezzie
cake cutting
catching up
fireworks at marina
slacking at macdonald
all is blissful and well
----------------------------


My emotions:

hmm wad kind of feeling is this
yesh, there's bitta liking
but you try to avoid him initially
u start observing his behaviour at the corner of ur eyes.
u pre-ampt his action
ur feeling tells u, he will appreciate ur care
but in ur thots
u only see him as a younger brother.
am i deciphering it correctly?





knowing a person
stepping out of my comfort zone
is it the right thing to do?

asking for sth
taking the first step
being initiative
is this what i want?

knowing the end result
knowing no turn back
still went ahead
am i cruel to myself

bringing back my oldself
snuggling in this warmth
how long can it last?

never ending question
ever flowing speculation
u think
i thot
who confirm

ha
life's a laughter
life's a risk
take it
u may expect great return
put ur money in the fixed D,
u know where u end up in

wad's up and down
u have to step out to experience

wad's down and up
once u experienced, u learnt

life
a nv ending sequeal
featuring me&myself

today the rain has been heavy
been slping for like dotta intervals
lazy log

slp and eat. slp and eat
very lifestyle o
luxurious indeed

anyway
was supposed to catch avatar with jasmine today
yesh
she gotten me real pissed

gone out wif her yesterday. our christmas
ate at my fav soup spoon and shop ard the new illuma
it was my first time there

really treasured the shopping time
my shopping trip has always been in between slots of work. alone.
there was no fun
more of a satisfaction of shopping needs

jas has been my jc best bud and it's beena long time since i seen her too
still as pretty as ever
tall and skinny.

was supposed to meet her 1230 at bugis station
and she turned up 40 mins later
i was 5 mins away from reaching
* Ping *
pls guess wad's the reason

she was choosing her shoes to match...

i do not see much a deal initially.
i do admit
i do have such dilema when im going out too.
but i was nv late

that's not all.
today we had avartar planned.
bec'os i may have an appt at 7pm.
im not too sure i can make it too.

anyway cut the story short.
i gave her my words that i will surely turn up
till this morning i msg her to cfm the timing once again
she called and tell me she has not done the online booking yesterday
at that time i was one min away from stepping out of my hse
all ready
imgaine if i were alr in train.

yup
by the time she checked.
all tix were sold out.


im fuming mad.
i gave her my words the night before
yet she chose not to trust my words
then y bother asking me to cfm the night before??
im so so
speechless.

she left behind an msn msg just now
very daring indeed.
asking me if i still wish to watch with her tml or next wk
i cant reply her.
i dunno im to feel she's oblivious abt her fault or she feels nothing is wrong about it.
she does falls into my definition of pampered-ness

What's disappointing ish
she wasnt apologetic yesterday when she sees me
neither was her first word 'sorry' when she calls me this morning

till she felt my anger.

sorry jasmine
if you are my fren, u know my minefield has always been punctuality
you can be late
but let it be a valid reason
no one owes anyone a living

& i hold the the principle to be respectful to each other's time.
is this demanding?
i thot that's the basic
that's the very value taught since pri sch.

anyway it's over.

once written here, it shld be forgotten.

Taling abt trust
am i not a trustworthy person?
what can i do to improve
it takes 2 hands to clap
a fault by one, mus also be reflected by another
i cant think of a soln now.


i thot of ying
we are celebrating out 10 yrs frenship in 5 days time
but i was quite affected by one incident that put this frenship to test.

that's the motor insurance she has asked from me to service her.
guess wad
i managed to offer 3 quotations that is lower than the one she paid
im really so glad and happy
the many ppl i serve, i can benefit my best fren.

Yet.

ok, i do understand the car is registered under her bro's name.
but money is paid by her
moreover it's her own car
ying has all say to choose her agent.

alright, it's not foolstop yet, im not saying when she asked for the quotation, it's a must to take up with me.
customer is always king
they have the right to choose.
but
let me explain

put yourself in her shoes
if someone that u have known for 10 years.
also in the line of motor insurance
and is readily to service u
you are paying the same pr as u pay out there
offered u 3 quotation that is lower than the premium $2.3k u are paying now
and
when accidents were to happen,
u do not need to be afraid of slow claiming
u know that wif a call,
this fren cum agent will definitely do her part.
now
will u take up with her?


her ans is no.
she chose a higher premium to pay and mention her brother took up wif his fren.

wad can i saY?
how should i respond.

i dun wan this thot of mine to ran wild
si i called thrice
she missed it all.
she did not bother to give me a call after
to even try and clear up any misunderstanding


anyway.

i lost trust in this frenship.
in this industry, when i first started off.
my colleague always remind me
how i will get to see the true side of my frens.
i nv believe

im confident with how i treat all my buds
with anyone i go out with
i promise laughter.

but now
my colleagues sure hit the jackpot
in Ying's recent fb msg(reguading the coming 10yrs frenship meetup)to me
it was even written so formally

ha.
dat wasnt the 'format' we usually type in fb.
im quite sensitive.

i mention this inceident to my boss.
and he told me, i shldnt be feeling the dilema of facing this fren of mine
向反
she shld be the one taking over this dilema.


forget it.
next outing is coming

its a combination of belated christmas cum my belated birthday cum the coming new yr
so many events lump into all.
not very glad abt it though.
for me, i always believe birthday should always be exclusive.
same goes for anyone in our grp

blame it on my birth date.
it's not nice to rebut anyway.
so forget it.

now the issue is
shld i turn up
if a fren is not worthy of a trust
wad then is she in anyway considered a fren?

[T]agMe --

[L]inkies --

[G]oodtimes --

[T]hanks --